Marriage and the role of Gender!

Do you know what a breathalyzer is? The device that cops use to estimate whether a driver is drunk or not. Yes that one in which you breath into the device and it tells you whether you have had alcohol. Well, if there were a breathalyzer to detect the level of stress in a person at a certain point of time we would all be taking the test. It would become a household commodity like the weighing scale. People would measure stress every morning before leaving home and every night before sleeping. Psychiatrists and Psychologists would make you take the test before they call you in for an appointment. Now imagine if this device could measure the stress according to the category of stress - the alcohol analogy would be: measuring the alcohol content by the type of alcohol; how much whisky, how much beer, how much wine and how much vodka has been consumed? Take -stress due to family issues, stress due to social issues, stress due to personal issues, stress due to workplace issues and so on... 

You must be wondering where I'm getting at? I'm getting at the level of stress that is circulating among people over gender roles in the society. Let me explain. I attended a certain conference yesterday which was organised in order to discuss and talk about gender issues and the changing role of women in the society. The panelists were highly successful couples who have made it big in their respective fields and managed to balance their work and home. I heard most of the panel discussion very keenly except for times when I was more focused on the lamb seekh kebab in my mouth or the glass of wine in my hand. From all the discussions and opinions that I heard from the panelists I could only make out that even those who had successfully lived and balanced atleast half of their lives were still grappling for clarity on what exactly is gender equality. They were literally stressed out just thinking about the gender roles in a marriage and whether their marriages were gender neutral and epitomes of gender equality!

One of the panelists said in her statements that her father always told her that she was not equal to men but she was in fact better than men. I was quite taken aback by the statement! This is the farthest she could get from the concept of gender equality. Believing that any one gender is better than the other itself is gender inequality, irrespective of whichever side it tilts.  

Another male panelists happened to inappropriately quip that he earned 'brownie points' just yesterday for putting his kids to bed while his wife was busy. There is again an underlying assumption here that he pitched in for his wife and that it was a special case so much so that it earned him extra points. It should have been a part of his routine being a parent don't you think? 

So having heard these panelists speak, I engaged in some socialising post the event in the audience and found that the crowd was equally confused about what exactly was expected from both the genders in this changing roles in the society. I found myself hearing this: 

A certain male (ACM): 'I personally feel that women are more care giving and loving and nurturing and that is required for a child in the initial years. This cannot be replaced. Do you think a man can give as much love and care to a child as a woman?  

Me: "I've known men who are more loving and caring than their better halves. I've known men who have become the primary caretakers of their children. Including some examples in my own family. Being caring and loving is human nature - NOT FEMALE NATURE - whoever can and wants to should give it!"

The same ACM: 'But I don't feel we are capable of giving that kind of care.'

A certain female (ACF1): 'I think it comes from home. If you have seen it in your house you would be more accepting towards it. My husband has seen his father being the nurturing entity in his house and his mother being the primary breadwinner. He is very comfortable in caretaking and nurturing children.'

Another certain Female (ACF2): I feel women should be supported by their male better-halves for whatever they want to pursue in their careers. There should be a certain support system in the house. Only then will there be gender equality. 

Me Thinking in my head: But what do you mean by support? Helping out in household chores or taking equal responsibility at home? That cannot be called 'support'. That's their duty/responsibility/ownership anyway. You don't need to ask for support from your partner. The very term 'partner' means that they are there in equal contribution. It should be taken for granted. 

ACF1: But I feel at work places, men are better bosses than women. Women are very ruthless because they feel they have had it the tough way, why should they give it easy to their subordinates. While male bosses are cool and supporting. They are the best to work with! 

ACM and ACF2 in unison: Yes I totally agree.That is so true. There are no two ways about it. 

Me: I don't agree. I've had more female bosses than male bosses and I agree that some of my female bosses have been tough nuts to crack but so have my male bosses been. Also, I've had an amazing lady as a female boss in my previous organization. I almost took her as my ideal....

And then I faded out as I realised my meager audience was no longer interested in my gender neutral views and they would rather maintain their gender specific biases and believe that they are being gender-progressive when actually they are going backwards and growing regressive about the whole thing. I walked away politely from the circle I suppose much to their relief and indulged myself with my friend who had invited me to this conference and her comrades. 

At the back of my mind I was thinking, feminism is so widely misinterpreted these days that people can't figure out what exactly to believe and what is the right path for thinking on this topic. The gender roles have been questioned so often now that it is being dissected to the sub atomic level and still there are some questions that are unanswered. I'm thinking, this is just two genders we are talking about and roles of partners in a relationship. What about the LGBT? Would they really bother worrying about partner roles at home or otherwise? I'm sure not. They have bigger issues to deal with. They would I think just make it work as a team at home each one taking the lead when the other is not available not bothering who is supposed to do what. Isn't that how it is supposed to be in the first place? Just do what the need of the hour is. Don't waste time thinking about who is supposed to do what.

A friend once put it very succinctly: Marriage is whatever works and whatever it takes to make it work!