THE VICTIM CALLED 'ME'

Have you ever felt victimized? I'm sure everybody feels victimized at some point in life. Either at workplace by your superiors or peers; in a public setting; at home. It could be in any form especially in this 21^st century when there is a constant struggle of morals, social discipline, social etiquette, interpersonal respect, cross-gender respect or respect of humanity. In earlier days there used to be decorum in the society. There were certain rules that were never broken in a social setting. There was certain etiquette that was always followed among people and there was abundant interpersonal respect among people. People would never cross the line of appropriate social behavior. Hence it was easy to fall back on this social decorum for safety. In our heads we would know that this social behavioral value would always be maintained and hence we would take it for granted. Today this cannot be done. One cannot fall back on social values because in this age of personalization everyone has their own personal values that are not common across societies. Values and morals have also gone global!

Now the next thought in your mind would be why has globalization taken on the values and morals of people? Well, there has been an intermixing of cultures due to globalization and this has come with some beautiful amalgamation of positive values whereas some horrendous uproar of the negative ones. This is a natural phenomenon. Spirituality also plays a major role in defining social values. Earlier religion used to be a primary controller of spirituality and hence people of one religion would have similar spiritual values thus driving in similar social values. This no longer applies today. Religion and spirituality have separated from each other and people have adopted new sources of spiritual thinking. Each person’s spirituality is now personalized and hence there is no common social value. The flip side of this personalized world is that one cannot have faith in your own people because one does not know if the same values would be upheld by the person you are dealing with. Lack of trust and hence immense insecurity drives the world today.

This insecurity and uncertainty is what makes us feel that we are being victimized by everybody around us. For example, if you get pushed around in a heavily crowded public transport like a city bus or metro train, you feel annoyed by the people around you. You feel they are not behaving in the right manner. But the reality is that the ‘crowd’ in the metro/bus includes ‘you’ and everyone is feeling the same discomfort as you are. Everyone needs to get to their destinations on time and in turn trying to make their way through the same crowd which is causing the friction. This understanding comes from empathy. Now if you can develop this empathy and then reciprocate in such a way that you either assist in the crowd management or make the moment lighter by bringing in some humor in the crowd, it becomes easy to tackle the situation.

Similarly, the most common type of self-victimization which has been going on since ages. Feeling victimized by your manager at work place. It is very easy to believe that your manager is full of malice and is only trying to harm you and your career. But one forgets that your manager is also answerable to his/her manager and is perhaps facing a higher level of pressure than what you can see; a very miniscule effect of which is hitting you as an impact. So, the fact is that you are not being victimized but it is only the circumstance that is causing the effect that it is. If you are able to empathize and reciprocate in a manner that helps your manager offload some of the pressures, that in turn can make the situation lighter for you as well.

People feel victimized when they are left heartbroken after a break up. Truth is there are so many different outlooks developed towards relationships - one night stands, friends with benefits, casual dating, relationships, serious relationships - and perhaps several more, that before entering into one it is necessary that you clear the outlook that you carry. Else you are bound to feel victimized once it ends. Empathetic communication is core to working around issues. 

It is very easy to get upset if you are not being treated in the way that you expect to be. But if you see such behavior you must immediately begin by trying to empathize with the situation of the person who is misbehaving. What is it that is their pain-point? Can I resolve something for the person so that it becomes easy for him/her to reciprocate to me? What is the challenge they are facing? If you develop this behavior you can learn to ease out your own social difficulties and also maintain your own peace of mind. Instead of getting upset, you are responding constructively towards the person. You are not losing your cool and you are getting your work done as well. It looks like a win-win to me!

You may also want to reflect on the fact that as a collateral advantage, you are able to develop and maintain good relationships with people around you and get help when needed by behaving differently. It also keeps you grounded as a person because you constantly look at others’ problems and issues and understand that yours perhaps are not that big. You learn to respect people for what they are and don’t judge them outwardly because you know why they are what they are. You take your set-backs in your stride and come out stronger out of difficult situations rather than broken. You learn not to pity yourself for what happened but to learn out of it and see what you gained from the situation. This wholesome experience keeps you happy.

So next time you feel victimized, reflect back on the situation and see if you can find empathy within you for people who affected you. If you can’t, go talk to them and try to find empathy and don’t react until you have found it. Once you find that piece of empathy you will automatically respond differently. This I think is an essential 21^st century skill that is neither taught to us in school nor by our parents. We must learn it by experience. The best part is – once you have learnt it, no one can make you unhappy unless you allow them to! This is actually self-empowerment!